I ask everyone to download the free game software so we’ll be ready to go on the day. We have the karts, we have the players, we have the game; now we need the venue. My last Mario Kart was a standard living room affair, but an event like this demands something a little more theatrical.
Those who know me know that I have a background in the performing arts, and I’m still in touch with some of the lovely folks at the Watford Palace Theatre. As it happens, they have just opened up some new spaces nearby and are happy to accommodate our strange request in their Workshop Studio. It’s a big space with a wooden floor and nothing in the way – a proper blank canvas. It’s perfect.
Until I realise it’s a blank canvas. We need tracks. There are 10 Grand Prix to play through, each consisting of three races, which means I need to design 30 tracks. In two days. And I have nothing.
A wave of panic hits. I bust out the squared paper and begin drawing huge pixel images – a mushroom, a flower, a star. It’s taking hours, and I’m not sure it’ll work. My wife finds me hunched over the sketch pad – gnawing at the pencil in my hands.
“Why don’t you just use tracks from the games?” She asks.
“Because they’re massive – I don’t know how I’d even do that.”
“What, even those old ones?”
I pause. Stinging sensation of calling something from my childhood ‘old’ aside, she’s made a great point. The SNES tracks are pretty pint-sized creations, but packed with tight corners, narrow passages, shortcuts. There are some pretty iconic ones, too! Even showing up in World here and there. It’s a great idea!
“Thanks, love! Speaking of, do you want to play it for a bit now?”
“I think you should probably get your plan ready.”
“Fine.”
Spoilsport. Completely correct spoilsport.
I pull top-down images of all the tracks from Super Mario Kart and place them under a pixel grid. It’ll work well in regard to planning it out, but how am I going to size it? What am I going to use to create it? I think of genuine go-karting and the big rubber tyres that line the tracks. Big, cylindrical objects with a bit of give. And it hits me. Toilet paper. No, I was not on the toilet at the time.
Looking at my little Mario (again, not on the toilet, not a euphemism), I see he’s about two toilet rolls wide – that’s what I’m going to make my track out of. Perfectly placed pixel toilet rolls. I’ll make the tracks all four rolls wide to accommodate two racers going neck and neck and we can widen and squeeze where necessary to facilitate some overtaking and hot pursuit.
There are 20 Super Mario Kart tracks in all. I couple this with the pixel images I’ve already created (a giant recreation of each of the cup names) and we have our 30. Everything is in place for the big race.
Shopping karts
I set off for the venue with four little cars in the boot of my car. I call up Jonny on the way.
George: “Hello, have you got much toilet paper?”
Jonny: “I have some toilet paper? Why?”
George: “I’m going to pick some up to make the tracks with, I don’t suppose you have one of those big boxes of 48?”
Jonny: “I’m sorry, did you say 48? I don’t think you fathom how much toilet paper that is.”
George: “We get 48 at home. It’s not that much. It’s fine – we can grab some when I pick you up.”
Not long after this call, I pick up our first volunteer for this herculean event, it’s none other than former Nintendo Lifer, current Good Vibes Gamer Jon Cartwright! And he’s packing a spare Mario Kart, too. What a gent.
As Jon climbs into the car, he spots a bag of zip ties in the back seat.
George: “It’s normal – don’t worry about it.”
Fully accepting of this, Jon (henceforth JC) climbs in and a short while later we pick up Jonny (JB) before heading to a big old supermarket. Checking my pixel creations, I know the larger tracks need over 150 rolls to complete them, so we pick up 8 bags of 24 rolls.
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a big shopping trolley stuffed to the absolute brim with literally nothing but toilet roll, but I don’t mind telling you that it gets some odd looks.
JC: “You just got the best side eye from that man.”
George: “Do you think it would be weird to tell him that we don’t have diarrhoea?”
JB: “That will make it look and sound even more like you do.”
George: “I didn’t fathom how much toilet roll this would be.”
JB: “You did not.”
Hauling the toilet paper back to the car and stuffing ourselves in alongside it, I start to break down the day.
George: “I figure each race will only be a couple of minutes. If we can build quickly and allocate 20 mins to each Grand Prix, that’s three and a bit hours. We’ve got the room for four hours – so that gives us a bit of leeway.”
I acknowledge the plan is ambitious, but I think it’s achievable. We arrive at the Palace and the construction begins.
Game Building Garage
Joining JB, JC, Mitchell, and myself this time are Alex, Janek, Artie, and Ossie. This gives us four teams of two and we pair up respectively, but not before setting to work to bring our first course, Mario Circuit 1, to life.
I’ve had the idea to tether some of the toilet rolls together to make runs of three, four, and five to speed up the building. While the rest of the team makes this work, I get the karts online. Well, I try.
George: “No! A tutorial! I need to do a tutorial for these switches.”
JC: “I’m on it.”
Jon grabs a switch and we rattle through the intricacies of ‘pressing A to go’ and ‘pressing X to honk’, amongst others.
George: “Why can you not skip this?!”
JC: “It’s agony.”
George: “Oh my god, they want us to make a track now? I just want to play!”
By the time we have set up the karts, we are already 25 minutes behind. But Mario Circuit 1 is laid out in front of us. Look at it. It’s glorious. Bring on the mushroom cup, it’s time to race!
Mushroom cup: On your marks, get set, faff!
Except it isn’t. At the start of each track you’ve designed, player one has got to drive through gates one to four in order to establish the actual track for everyone else. No big deal. The track is done, to the starting grid, everyone! Let’s-a-
Jon: “I can’t start?”
Mitchell: “Yeah, me neither.”
George: “You just press ‘X’ when you’re facing the gate.”
Mitchell: “No, it won’t let me.”
George: “You need to be looking at the gate.”
Mitchell: “I am – look!”
Mitchell’s Mario is indeed staring down Gate One. What’s going on? What we hadn’t bargained on is the game having a very specific idea about where it wants each player to start, with little floating discs their kart should be on. The trouble is, on our tight little course, this is basically on top of other racers.
Some of us manage to hit ‘X’, but if we then accidentally tap ‘A’ or get nudged as someone else is trying to get started, it undoes our ready state. It is absolutely ridiculous. A full three minutes later, we are finally ready to start track one. And it’s worth it.
It’s madness. Delightful madness. Heads are bowed, watching our screens as the toilet paper hurtles by, our teammates cheering us on at the sidelines. Yells of glee and anguish go up as items connect and the track gets absolutely wrecked. I had hoped a nice fringe benefit of tethering the toilet rolls would be that they would stay quite firmly in place if bumped into, and this worked, but I did not foresee quite how easily the single toilet rolls would be smacked around with the slightest of impacts. By lap five, it felt like we were just driving through a jungle. Look at the state of it!
Mario Circuit gives way to Donut Plains and the teammates swap over.
George: “Okay everyone, I’m going to set out the route. Just watch where my kart goes so you can stay on track and everything should stay intact.”
My words are unheeded. Another course absolutely decimated. Around lap three I notice that a Luigi is just floating around outside the track.
George: “Hang on, is that our Luigi?”
Ossie: “Yeah, I didn’t really know where I was going.”
George: “But I showed you!”
Janek: “The tracks are so narrow, it’s hard to know where you’re meant to be going.”
George: “Not if everyone sticks to the track! I planned them, they’re all wide enough for two karts. I promise. Right, I’m Lakitu-ing this.”
I scoop up Luigi and set him back on track, hastily rearranging the track rolls as I do.
George: “I think this is what we need to do going forward – teammates can be Lakitu and we need to sort of fix as we go along.”
Alex: “Yeah, sounds good.”
Artie: “Has anyone seen Ludwig? I think he’s miles ahead of all of us.”
Janek: “There’s a computer? I don’t think I’ve even seen him.”
Artie: “I think he’s been in first the entire time.”
Mitchell: “Damn it, Ludwig.”
The computer may be dominating, but things start to get back on track with the final race of the Grand Prix – the big ol’ mushroom track. Though there’s still plenty of faff actually getting the race started, the space afforded with this one actually makes for a better experience and a proper hush descends as we compete for the podium. It doesn’t last, though, because as I whip round a corner with rolls streaking by, I can’t help but laugh when I pick my eyes up from the screen and spot my Luigi.
George: “Oh my God! They look so slow in real life!”
I’m not sure I can summon the words to adequately describe the whiplash of speeding through a mountain of bog roll on a screen, to setting eyes upon the reality of a miniature toy jaunting along the floor covering a minuscule amount of floor space, but sure enough the focus we had mustered comes undone as everyone giggles at the lack of intensity the real karts are displaying. Those tight precision corners and bumper-to-bumper collisions look hilarious when you realise they’re just dinky plastic toys. 100cc suddenly feels like 10cc.
The race finishes and the horror of having a CPU take the grand prize with nearly double the points of second place is not lost on us. Time is also slipping away – it’s already been nearly an hour and a half and we’ve only managed one Grand Prix! No time to debrief, we need to get moving.
The Flower Cup. The definitely-a-Flower Cup.
Ghost Valley 1 takes shape with its infamous jump shortcut in place. I had considered building a ramp, but any thought of this is pushed aside as time ticks away. I do, however, plop a toilet roll in the middle of the narrow stretch.
JB: “What’s that?”
George: “It’s for the shortcut. It’s to add a bit of jeopardy, otherwise everyone will just use it as it’s quicker. It’s risk and reward now.”
JB: “No, it isn’t, we’re just going to plough through it.”
Janek: “Could the tracks be wider?”
George: “This one is quite wide, once we get round that first corner, it’ll be good. Ghost Valley is a classic. Trust me.”
Chaos. Everybody wipes out on the first corner except one sneaky Mario that flies through. As predicted, the shortcut also gets massacred. It’s a good race, though – I beautifully cut Luigi on the inside into first but slip down the rankings when I get nudged off course by that damn shortcut roll I had insisted upon on the last lap.
George: “LAKITU!! HELP!”
Mitchell pips it. That one stung. Ghost Valley 1 is my favourite. Onto Bowser’s Castle 1. I’d like to say cool heads prevailed as the pressure to create tracks quickly is sinking in, but –
George: “I wish we could build two tracks at a time to speed things up.”
Mitchell: “We can do that, can’t we? We’ve got the floor space?”
JC: “And another set of gates?”
George: “We don’t have enough toilet roll to build two at the same time.”
JB: “I don’t think lack of toilet roll is your problem here.”
Janek: “I think the tracks need to be wider.”
George: “The tracks are wide enough!”
They really aren’t. I’m slowly coming to the realisation that the tracks I’ve based these recreations on are, by and large, wide enough for 4-6 racers to sit side by side in-game. These are wide enough for two. Sometimes. Nevertheless, after the customary gate faff, Bowser’s Castle begins. And it’s around lap four that things unravel again.
Artie: “Oh, I’ve got a Bullet Bill!”
Cue complete track destruction. The Bullet Bill positively smashes the kart through the toilet roll and decimates any semblance of a track. We struggle to get through the last lap as Roy romps into first.
JB: “No! This is bull! I’ve been first the entire time. I’ve been robbed.”
Mitchell: “Damn it, Roy.”
George: “Of course! The toilet roll doesn’t affect him. He’s just sauntering through a normal track.”
Everyone: “Ohhhhhh.”
We probably should’ve realised this sooner. Mitchell is doing well this Grand Prix, though, and not shy mentioning it.
Mitchell: “Smashed that. I could take this.”
JB: “Nonsense.”
We construct the final track of the GP, and perhaps I should’ve foreseen things getting a bit bawdy.
JB: “Err…what are you making?”
JC: “Yeah, this looks pretty dodgy, George.”
George: “It’s obviously a fire flower you savages. I’m going to set the gates up.”
JB: “Are you going to block off parts of it?”
George: “No! We want different paths and shortcuts and stuff. Mario Kart is all about options.”
JB: “I thought it was all about rage? Blind rage.”
I proceed to drive Mario through the gates.
George: “Oh no. This isn’t going to help my case.”
Everybody loses it and I cannot repeat anything that was said as the karts shot up and down the track. The fact that it’s a nice, big track (stop it) again makes the race really enjoyable. Thankfully, Jon volunteers to demonstrate the actual scope of it:
The looping nature of the track makes for some great bumps and item hits, with howls going up all round the room.
George: “I really like it when there’s a crossover – it’s great to dodge past people when you’re going round.”
Jonny promptly smashes into the side of my kart as I say this, catching my front wheels and dragging me round with him.
George: “No! I was in first!”
The CPU has once again taken the grand prize, but Mitchell was close. We have an hour and a bit left at this point and I concede defeat on any notion of completing every Grand Prix.
JC: “Yeah, I think that would take about nine hours at this point.”
A star-studded finish?
George: “Okay, let’s do one more Grand Prix. We’ll make it a Star Cup as the track I had planned for the Shell Cup is ridiculously narrow. Like, one car wide.”
JB: “Let’s not do that.”
Ossie: “What track are we building?”
Alex: “I think it’s better when the tracks are straighter.”
George: “Agreed. No wibbly wobbly tracks. There is one I wanted to try, though.”
Some toilet rolls later.
JB: “What am I looking at here?”
George: “It’s Koopa Troopa Beach! It’s quite open, so I’m hoping it’ll give a bit more space.”
It does, as it happens. The drive through is pretty good, we’re all happily battling it out, when Alex quietly bends down and casually scoops up his kart.
George: “Are you finished already?”
Alex: “Yep.”
Mitchell: “The utter disrespect. I love it.”
My plan to finish with Rainbow Road before wrapping up on the giant pixel star is scuppered when I hit ‘Next Race’ instead of course creation as KT Beach concludes.
George: “Noooooo! Why is that the first option?”
JC: “It’s very weird.”
George: “It’s like they don’t want you to change tracks each time!”
I think about this for a second.
George: “Oh my god. We aren’t meant to change the tracks each time. It’s meant to be the environment that makes each track different. Then there isn’t so much faff setting up the gates and running through them each time. You can just set off and have a different feeling course.”
JB: “So what you’re saying is, we’ve wasted hours building tracks at your hands as the malevolent dictator of track design.”
George: “No! No, it’s still been fun. Just would’ve been much quicker.”
Ossie: “Can’t we just move the gates?”
George: “Yes! Let’s do that! Just stick the gates anywhere in the room. See, I’m not a dictator.”
JC: “So is this open-world? Are we Mario Kart Worlding it?”
George: “We are Mario Kart Worlding it.”
We spread the gates out across the massive room and proceed to race. It’s mad and brilliant. Watching our karts bomb it across huge straights. Mitchell’s Luigi is storming out front with mine in hot pursuit.
George: “I swear Luigi is faster.”
Mitchell: Of course, he’s the superior brother.”
JC: “Oh no! I’ve got a Bullet Bill but he doesn’t know where the track is!”
Jon’s shuddering kart is a sight to behold as Mitchell and I duke it out for the customary second place behind the CPU.
JB: “Where’s the computer?”
George: “He finished ages ago. He doesn’t care about trivial things like where the gates or toilet rolls actually are.”
Mitchell: “Damn it, Bowser Jr.”
JB: “Evil.”
I’ve managed to climb my way to first (second) place, swooping tightly round Gate Four, keeping my eyes off the screen and on the IRL kart. I just pinch it through Gate One and fist pumps are shot into the air.
George: “Yes! That was a great one.”
But when I look at my screen, something is wrong.
George: “Hey? It says I’m still racing.”
Mitchell: “Yeah, I just came second.”
George: “What? Oh no – I don’t think it registered a gate!”
JB: “Sure, sure.”
George: “No, really! I went through them all! You saw, Mitch?”
Mitchell: “I didn’t see anything, mate.”
George: “I can’t believe this!”
I storm back round the track and, indeed, Gate Four did not register. I feel hollow.
Mitchell: “That’s Mario Kart, baby.”
George: “Don’t even.”
Other plans have meant we are down to just JB, JC, Mitch, and myself now, and we enjoy our chunky Star Cup finale – even if the CPU takes the podium again. Though we agree the fact that none of us have actually taken first leaves us all a little bit unfulfilled…
Mario’s Migraine
George: “Okay, how about one final race, no CPU, winner takes all?”
Mitchell: “Okay – but what’s the track?”
JB: “Yeah, we don’t want any of that tight cornering nonsense.”
George: “I was going to save the best for last – a giant recreation of pixel Mario’s head.”
JC: “We’re going to drive through Mario’s skull? Okay, let’s do it.”
Look at the beauty of that track. I could weep. Now let’s tear holes in it and set the gates.
Removing the CPU element and introducing genuine stakes has the effect I had hoped for all along. A proper, focused hush falls on us as the countdown begins. Then, almost immediately:
Everyone: “Oh!”
There’s a sandstorm on the track and somehow you can feel its impact on the karts? A delightful reminder that Nintendo really can conjure up magic in any experience they put their minds to at this late stage in the day. We zip round the wonderfully spacious track and Mitchell takes first.
Mitchell: “I told you – Luigi is inherently faster.”
Seeing that lean, green machine sitting pretty awakens the green-eyed monster in me. But I play it cool.
George: “That was a great one, though! One more time, just for fun? I think we can squeeze it in. No weather effect this time and we don’t need to reset the gates.”
Everyone: “Sure!”
We replace a few stray rolls and line up again. I’m making steady progress and toward the end of lap four I’ve got a pretty commanding lead. I pull the trigger.
George: “I mean, obviously this is the real final race, right? Winner takes all!”
Everyone: “What?! No!”
JB: “You’re ridiculous.”
George: “Ridiculously good!”
I storm through the final gate. Except I don’t. Because once again, I have failed to register a gate somewhere on my last lap.
George: “What? No! No – NOT AGAIN!”
I’m rattled as I bounce from gate to gate trying to find the offender – it’s Gate Three! And fittingly, it drops me to third. I backtrack sheepishly on my previous gloating.
George: “Maybe we will count the last one as the real final race.”
JC: “Is that because you came second in that one?”
George: “Shh.”
The podium
So there you have it – our final ranked positions on what was essentially a very elaborate, one-race winner-takes-all experience. We decide to take a podium picture holding our gates.
George: “Come on, everyone, grab your rank. Jonny, you came fourth.”
JB: “I don’t accept that.”
Mitchell: “That’s Mario Kart, baby.”
George: “How did you all find it?”
JC: “Life-changing.”
JB: Decent.”
JC: “Incredible response.”
JB: “Nah – I’m only joking. It was lots of fun.”
Mitchell: “A surprisingly civilised Saturday.”
George: “Would you do it again?”
JB: “Yeah, I would. Make better tracks, though.”
JC: “I think it needs more danger. Get a dog in.”
Mitchell: “Yeah, get a dog and I’m there.”
A dog it is.
And what about me? Would I do it again? Yes, absolutely, and you should too if you can – but a few words of advice.
Don’t make a new track for every race! Setting it up is an absolute time sink and the tightness of the game tracks translates horribly into a real-life arena.
Make sure everyone has completed the arduous tutorial before you get there, and for goodness’ sake, give everyone space to start at Gate One. I cannot overstate how much time we lost just trying to start a race.
It’s so, so close to being a gem of a game – it’s just bogged down with a little too much faff and not enough getting going. Classic Nintendo. Turn off the CPU, too. You’re never going to beat a ghost that can drive through walls – keep the stakes between the real-life folks.
I would recommend the huge pixel recreations and letting the in-game effects shape the race. The pile-ups, seeing the hilarious juxtaposition between the thrill of the screen and the meandering of the real karts, the classic Mario Kart gameplay – it’s all here and really worth experiencing in four-player with the right people.
We may have failed on our quest to complete all GPs, but we had a blast trying. And hey, no matter what the outcome, at least we’ll have toilet roll on hand for months.
